Suddenly there are many “holiday” things to do…Some nice friends of mine helped me decorate at Circle Thrift this week, I have been gearing up to make art shop stuff, and am planning to revive the “most dangerous gift” series of homemade presents that I started in high school for my family of origin. These are landmarks of my holiday season which culminates at the vigil on Christmas eve. The vigil wasn’t always THE moment of the season; it used to be other stuff like seeing the lit up tree Christmas morning, or trading gifts, or the big dinner, or watching my kids open gifts, etc…
My cell is spending a few weeks hearing each others holiday stories and discerning how we can “go deeper” this time around with Jesus. We are listening, praying and reflecting on how we think God is calling us to experience the season. In thinking about my own holiday history I realized that the moment that my heart feels so full that it might break open is in the quiet celebration with my community when we first welcome Jesus into the world again together during the Christmas eve vigil. Each year I literally feel all of the pains, failures, hurts, miscommunications and disappointments in my life melt away and all I am left with is this perfect love for God and from God.
The feeling doesn’t arise because of the brilliant execution of the vigil, or the music, or how much Joshua loves me, or how clean and wholesome I am when I present myself to the new king- it happens because I am just present to who God always is, acutely aware of Jesus’ presence, and carving out time in the busiest part of the year to be an empty vessel and receive what I am always being given.
There are “perfect” moments throughout my days and my weeks and my years when alone with God I know peace and love and partnership and passion, but there is something special about having this experience with my new, chosen family, on Christmas eve. It is special because Jesus had to fight his way back into my life and I am so aware of his triumph, because it is a discipline to make Jesus’ new life more important than commercial Christmas and I am aware of our triumph, and because all the excited feelings that I had as a kid around Christmastime and have unsuccessfully tried to recreate year after year as an adult have resurfaced in their truest, purest form. I look around at midnight and can recall all the happy tears, disagreements, laughs, and misunderstandings that I have shared with all the people in the room and I know God is there willing us to love each other and to keep grinding it out when it is hard and to high five when it isn’t.
I am interested to see how our preparation and reflection on the holidays will take root in the my cell, because we are all bound to get caught up in all of our old family dramas, and hurts and disappointments, no matter how open we are to Jesus’ love and newness; we are human and have been relating in a specific way to our families and community and friends for a long time. It may take years to change the course of the ship, but it is wonderful to know that we are all together on this journey and that we have a sense of its sacredness and power.
I don’t know when it was that I began to hate Christmas, but I know that all melted away last advent as I celebrated and waited the birth of Jesus with this community.
That was so well put, Martha. Thank you.
Hey Martha, I’m glad to be doing it with you. Christmas can be really lame sometimes; but I think when we sit and listen and observe the sacred tradition, it means a lot more. Thanks for sharing your experience, I know I can relate to it.