I’ve been a bear the last few weeks. I’ve felt argumentative and confrontational in a bad way. I’ve felt agitated. I’ve wanted to prove I’m right. I’ve been aloof and cold, not able to sympathize, be compassionate or show concern.
I know that a lot of the time, I’m not like this. My problem right now is that I’ve been going it alone. I’ve drifted from God and so I act and react in foolish ways. And all of this as I get up each morning to pray and talk with God. This daily act, which I want to be a spiritual discipline, has become a rather stale habit.
I’ve needed a re-alignment, a shift, a purging.
As part of the spiritual rhythms built into the life of Shalom House, I went on retreat a couple days ago. I spent 36 hours retreating on the eastern shore of Maryland. Walking the beach and sitting in the sand dunes, I actually felt like I purged all these bad, anxious, frustrated, agitated emotions. I feel like God has put me back together.
A few days back I opened the book Amish Grace and ever since my mind’s been reeling. The book is about the response, which was heavy on forgiveness & light on revenge, of an Amish community in Pennsylvania when a man entered their children’s school and killed 5 of them, injuring 5 more and then killing himself. Many things are striking me, but one thing in particular that I’ve grabbed onto is the righting of relationships. Amish communities build into their corporate & individual lives an expectation and a way to set things right with one another. If this can’t be done, then the Church doesn’t participate in communion.
Having acted in ways I’m not proud, I need to right some relationships and let go of some grudges. In the spirit of these Amish sisters and brothers, I’m giving it a try and feeling much less like a bear.
Mimi,
Thanks for the great post. I think we could all use this kind of retreat, and we all need to carve out time for that kind of purging. Lately around Circle Ive been hearing all kinds of “bearish” grunts and moans as we move closer to the things God’s been mapping out for us for the past couple of years. As the Camden-Collingswood plant nears fruition, Ive been hearing all kinds of feelings and emotions, some not so unifying, some lovingly opening a new dialogue to proactively and missionally help the work that lies ahead. I think we all could use the discipline of retreat and listening to center us, unify us (not coerce, sell, defend, quantify, or conform…..Im talking about unity) so we can move forward out of our grunts and pains and into the new life, the new humanity, that Jesus woos us into each and every day. Its so hard, because it requires a letting go of things that seem so natural, so comfortable. Owning 2233 Frankford is just the next step, and it freed so much up for so many people. Renovating 2007 will be next….then having a 3rd congregation that will probably look and act a little different than the others….and then another one next year probably. Getting ourselves unentrenched from our ways and moving like pilgrims to what is next is going to be great. Thanks for spurring us on and keeping the peace.
Jeremy
I’m glad you’re talking about this. Thanks for sharing.