I’ve been a bear the last few weeks. I’ve felt argumentative and confrontational in a bad way. I’ve felt agitated. I’ve wanted to prove I’m right. I’ve been aloof and cold, not able to sympathize, be compassionate or show concern.
I know that a lot of the time, I’m not like this. My problem right now is that I’ve been going it alone. I’ve drifted from God and so I act and react in foolish ways. And all of this as I get up each morning to pray and talk with God. This daily act, which I want to be a spiritual discipline, has become a rather stale habit.
I’ve needed a re-alignment, a shift, a purging.
As part of the spiritual rhythms built into the life of Shalom House, I went on retreat a couple days ago. I spent 36 hours retreating on the eastern shore of Maryland. Walking the beach and sitting in the sand dunes, I actually felt like I purged all these bad, anxious, frustrated, agitated emotions. I feel like God has put me back together.
A few days back I opened the book Amish Grace and ever since my mind’s been reeling. The book is about the response, which was heavy on forgiveness & light on revenge, of an Amish community in Pennsylvania when a man entered their children’s school and killed 5 of them, injuring 5 more and then killing himself. Many things are striking me, but one thing in particular that I’ve grabbed onto is the righting of relationships. Amish communities build into their corporate & individual lives an expectation and a way to set things right with one another. If this can’t be done, then the Church doesn’t participate in communion.
Having acted in ways I’m not proud, I need to right some relationships and let go of some grudges. In the spirit of these Amish sisters and brothers, I’m giving it a try and feeling much less like a bear.