It’s hard not to react circumstantially. Each day is composed of many ups and downs, and I believe that part of knowing Jesus is to not be affected by the crises. A typical day for me can start with a cup of coffee, sitting and reading a new book, and feeling like I have a good start. But then my new neighbors down the block give me the evil eye, and I’m already pissed off. And it’s only 11am. And then I remember I don’t have a job. Ups and Downs.
So on one of those up and down days, I was reading a devotional that talked about the “delight of despair.” At the time, that sounded like a pretty discouraging idea. I really hated it. I hated it because when I think about despair, there aren’t any positives associated with it. But I think the main idea is always being able to fall back on Jesus. I can be down, but I’m never out.
I dislike the term “safety net,” but can appreciate the concept. It makes me think of the circus. Everyday life is much like walking a tightrope. I feel like one mistake or change can throw off the whole day. Or throw off our whole goal of following Jesus. It only takes one second to damage a relationship through a careless word. Despite these mistakes, knowing that there is something to fall back on is much more comforting than thinking about just falling, and thinking about failure. I know that on a small level, failure is a daily occurrence. It’s easy for me to be down on myself, but by trying to follow Jesus and truly letting him into my heart, I’m getting there.
Where is there? I’m still not sure, but I believe it’s where circumstances mean little in my life. I want to be able to have Jesus in my heart and share that with those neighbors even when they’re staring me down. I want to have joy because I know Jesus, and not have my joy be dependent on having a job. So I still think I’m getting there. And following Jesus isn’t really a destination, because that implies an end. It’s just the way that I’m going to try and live my life, and I’m hopefully becoming a better person through this process. I hope that’s what this community is about.
Lately it has been hard for me to feel Jesus in my everyday life, and I’m realizing that’s only because I’m not letting him in to my everyday life. When we really open ourselves up to Jesus, which is a conscious everyday decision, the tightrope metaphor goes out the window. We’re no longer walking, trying not to fall; we’re doing something else. I’m not sure what that other thing is, but it’s probably something that I can’t even imagine. It’s impossible to confine Jesus to time and space. Looking at it this way is easier for me than calling out the fact that I generally refuse to trust Jesus or apply his perspective to my life each day.
I didn’t intend to write with a cheesy metaphor, but sometimes they work for me. Life is a tricky balance and near impossible to negotiate when we try to act solely as individuals. That’s why Jesus, close friends, and the Circle of Hope community are important. I can’t really live life without that.